Up Here by Graham Crisp

Oh, hi, you’re new up here aren’t you? 

Look, before I give you the full guided tour, there are a few things you should know. As bizarre as it might sound, there are two groups that actually enjoy being up here. 

Firstly, there’s the ‘Cides. This bunch can be a bit moody at times, but they are generally content with their lot. They sort of made it their mission to end up here. 

Then there’s the ‘Mentias. These guys were, how can I put this, a bit doolally down there. Up here they are totally compos mentis. But a word of warning, if you get too close, they’ll start showing you pictures of their grandkids and talking about the war! 

Now there are a few up here that are less happy. Firstly, there’s the ‘Holies. These folk spend their time wandering around searching for a God or Prophet. I’ve told them to forget it. I’ve never seen a bloke in a white gown or a fella in a turban. But they won’t listen. They just say that they are on an ‘assignment.’ 

Them lot, over there, are best avoided. Those are the ‘Feminista – a collection of extremely angry women, or should I say womxn, who have all been dispatched up here courtesy of a violent man. They are very hostile towards our gender, so best you stay well away. 

Me? Well I copped it on the operating table. I was having some routine surgery done when the anaesthetist cocked up and I ended up having a cardiac arrest. Funnily enough I bumped into him last week. 

He looked me up and down and said, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” I nodded and smiled, I mean it’s live and let live up here! 

Anyway, let’s get you started; got anyone you’d like to meet first?

Published in Issue #13

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