All I Said Was... by Kate Twitchin

“…don’t you go worrying your pretty little head about it.”

“Is she pretty?”

“Well, no, she’s like the back end of a bus but that’s not the point, she’d made a right mess of the payroll run and I was just trying to make her feel better about it.”

“And she went off on one?”

“Told me I could f*ing stick my f*ing job up my f*ing backside.”

“How rude.”

“I’m telling you, it’s getting worse. You can’t say anything these days without causing offence.”

“Too right. You know that bloke I took on as warehouse supervisor?”

“Darren whatsisname?”

“Him. Turns up in a dress and sandals on Monday, saying he’s identifying as a woman.”

“Never! What did you say?”

“I told him, her, to stop poncing about and get back into his, her, uniform, you know, overalls, steel toe-caps, the usual.”

“And did he, she?”

“Nope. Told me I was disrespecting him, her, and that he, she, sod this, he, was off to HR to get legal advice. I haven’t seen him since.”

“Diversity Awareness Training.”

“What?”

“That’s what they’ll make you do. I did it, absolute joke. It was run by one of those, you know, the ones that can’t decide, what d’you call them…non-binary, that’s it. Introduced itself and said its preferred pronouns were ‘they’ and ‘them’.

“Preferred what?”

“Pronouns, you know, what they want to be called. Anyway, I said, sod this nonsense, and walked out.”

“O-oh, not good.”

“Seems their preferred pronoun for me is ‘former’, as in…”

“Former Head of Accounts?”

“You’ve got it. So, about that job in your warehouse…”

“You? You must be joking, you fat slob, they don’t make overalls big enough. No offence.”

“None taken. Another beer?”

Winner: Weekly Write Week 16
Published in Issue #30

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